Revisiting the Idea of Another Child...

I have posted about this topic before, and I am surprised that I not only find myself plagued by this question again, but that I'm at such a loss that I actually went back and read that ancient post to see what advice I might have offered myself. 

Boy wasn't I just so clear and concise about what to consider? The ages between siblings, the mother's health, work schedules. I notice these are all external things to consider. I did not give much time to consider all the internal chaos that may occur when trying to make the choice of having another baby. Certainly that past way of presenting my thoughts via blog did no one else any favors, and it certainly didn't clear things up for me any. I find that since my husband and I have gone back and forth about this decision for over a year now that the indecision is the hardest part for me. 

In any given moment my heart or head seems 98% committed to one choice or the other. I have made lists upon lists with the positive aspects of both choices. The myriad of freedoms I would have since Sidekick and Buddy are getting older is a cross between something that makes me giddy and also intoxicated with all my options. I never will again take for granted the ability to just choose things I want vs things I have to do. It feels pretty exciting. However, there is the other side of me that wants a 3rd child so very badly and knows I'll be able to eventually gift myself with all the daydreamy things I've been thinking of, but just a bit farther down the road.

I sometimes use scare tactics with myself. What if the child wasn't healthy, what if it really stressed the marriage more than it could handle, what if it really overwhelmed me at school full time and there for my future goals suffered to a degree, what if, well honestly: it would be a nightmare?

Just so you know this sounds as bonkers to me as it does to any of you reading it. Hell, if I have to resort to scare tactics what does that say about where my heart really aligns? 

I find the level of planning for either choice mentally and emotionally exhausting and I can not seem to come to a firm choice. I tell myself that if I could just pick I would be able to get behind my choice and just move forward. 

The idea of waiting any longer for a third child, if that is what we choose, is not an option or what I want in the slightest. For me it is a matter of getting on with things and making it happen. Perhaps that is another part of the agony, just that this decision is so... very... drawnout. I want my children close in age.

So Mamas... any of you run into these emotions. What do you do about being consumed with it, and for so long?



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